End Of Year

It’s raining softly in Austin. I’m thinking back over the year in a sleepy reverie with a warm snuggly cat on my lap. What went well? What didn’t?

There were certainly things I was proud of, like Bedposts, and things I feel I didn’t succeed at, like LAFF. There was a physical crash of sorts, but there was also a kind of awakening that was powerful. Acceptance happened, finally, and that felt good. I wrote. A lot. I was lucky enough to get to go to SJTI, what a profound experience that was, a highlight of my year, maybe the decade.

We’ve seen big changes in our kids, some beautiful and powerful, some hard to watch and important to confront. I feel more and more radical about how I want to live. I am rejecting much of my former programming, looking for deeper ways to be.

My mother lingers in her dementia. Body strong, mind gone. This is a pocket of stones that I suspect will always weigh heavy.

We have Bean. This makes me happier than I can begin to express. Silly, I suppose, but her feline presence has made my life richer and more centered and that counts for a great deal.

I celebrated knowing my husband for a full 20 years. He’s…all, everything, so vital. I’m proud of him and of us.

I feel more committed than ever to performance and social justice. While still profoundly committed to sexuality, I feel more confused and confounded and in wonderment about it (and I’m pretty amused at my own naive innocence at things I did and wrote and believed just a few years ago, and still believe, only different now). I’m surprised as surprised can be at the focus I feel on spirituality. Certainly, if you asked me 5 years, even 2 years ago if I’d be exploring so much the answer would a resounding no. Family business is not to be denied, I suppose.

I’m always so grateful to recognize the wide variety of people I know online and in the real world, friends I have, interests around me, their intersections of thoughts and art and talent and raw determination. And they confirm my hope that people are good and that their goodness is right there, able to be touched, that they give it out to the world on a daily basis and it helps me so much keep my own determination going.

We have spent a very sleepy, quiet holiday break. I’ve been quite tired this year, tired in new ways, deep ways, partly from age I suppose, but also from the unraveling, the reflection. It’s felt a little odd not going to parties galore, not being out and about, but it felt very important just to burrow in and allow for rest.

Tonight also will be spent quietly, with family, sparkling drinks and thoughts of what’s next. Be safe and warm whatever you do.

The rain is here and it nourishes and lubricates such a dry land, easing passage into a new year.

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